Friday, July 8, 2011

The Zookeeper


Summertime at the multiplex is like walking through a mine field.  You have to be really careful because you just might wander into the wrong place and have something blow up in your face.  Well I took one for the team and willingly jumped on top of a biggie.  You're welcome, loyal readers.  Just in case you're not following my analogy let me tell you a phrase you definitely won't be hearing at the Oscars this year, 'And the nominees are ... 'The Zookeeper'.  This movie is beyond ridiculous and a complete waste of time.  And with that I have four new rules to present to you.  (Bill Maher, I hope you don't mind if I borrow your schtick.) 

New rule:  Kevin James must stop acting in films, put back on the weight he lost, and return to sitcoms as the fat guy married to a mouthy hot chick.  I like James.  I do.  He's funny and likeable.  And he was excellent in 'The King of Queens'.  But he obviously wouldn't know a good movie script if it hit him in the face.  (See 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop', 'Grown Ups', 'I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry', and most recently 'The Dilemma', which suddenly is starting to seem much better than I originally thought, at least relative to these other hot messes.)

New rule:  Adam Sandler must stop producing films (and preferably stop starring in them as well.)  All of the above mentioned disasters except for 'The Dilemma' were produced by Sandler.  Seriously, can I get an Amen?  Before 'The Zookeeper' I saw a trailer for an upcoming film called 'Jack & Jill' where Sandler plays a man and his twin sister and I'm partially hoping to get hit by a bus before I have to screen it.  Do people seriously still like Sandler?  Well, not this guy.

New rule:  No more talking animals in live action films.  For those of us above the age of seven it's just plain dumb.

New rule:  No more trite, message-laden, feel-good films with unrealistic characters and sappy, predictable endings.  (In this one we learn to 'be ourselves' and 'it's what's inside that counts'.  Awwww.)  Are you listening 'Larry Crowne' writers Tom Hanks and Nia Vardalos?  I honestly can't take it anymore.

Obviously I'm a bit fired up and I do feel strongly about these rules.  And yet, I must admit, the overwhelming murmur from the crowd after the film was that it was adorable and hilarious.  Adorable and hilarious!?!  I don't get it.  Maybe I'm not cut out for this film critic gig.  Maybe I don't speak for the masses.  But, as always, I'm keeping it real.  And to me, 'The Zookeeper' smells like a big pile of elephant dung.

Grade: D

3 comments:

  1. Agreed on James, his stand up is pretty good too, but he mostly talks about eating and waiting in line. Maybe he should stick to that.

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  2. 2nd highest rated film on IMDB with keyword "Khaki Shorts"!

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  3. Ouch. You seem like you want your 2 hours back.

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