Where shall I begin with this disaster of epic proportions? At an estimated $250 Million (per IMDB) 'John Carter' is poised to be the first big budget flop of 2012. There's almost nothing right with it. The storyline is disjointed and borderline incomprehensible. (Or perhaps I was just so bored I lost interest in trying to follow it in between several unplanned naps.) The lead actor, Taylor Kitsch, has the charisma of a lamp post. (Which is offensive to lamp posts, and I do apologize.) He's representative of every good looking actor wannabe in L.A. with nice hair and no personality, only a fraction of which actually win the Hollywood lottery, so hopefully he appreciates his good fortune. And even the name of the movie is boring and tells you absolutely nothing about the tone or genre. (I much prefer 'Get Carter' and even 'Coach Carter'). Granted, there are some great supporting character actors in the movie, including Mark Strong, Bryan Cranston, and Ciaran Hinds, all of whose talents are completely wasted here. And at 2 hours and 12 minutes it's just obnoxiously overindulgent. It could easily have been significantly cut down. This was like watching the Star Wars prequels, but only the parts featuring Jar Jar Binks. This movie actually made 'Green Lantern' seem intelligible and well made. (And although I like Mark Strong, it's just not good for his bio that he's in both of these disasters.) I even waxed nostalgic about the terrible 2010 remake of 'Clash of the Titans', which suddenly seems better than I originally thought. In many ways, this is the 'Avatar' of 2012. Now, I know that sounds like a compliment and that lots of people loved 'Avatar', but to me both films exemplify style and visual effects over substance. And both feature extremely uncharismatic leads. (Taylor Kitsch could be the new Sam Worthington.) And both movies are way, way, way too long for what they are. And, in general, one should beware of movies in 3D and on the IMAX. These gimmicks are often used to try to improve upon films that have no other redeeming qualities.
Sitting through painfully long experiences like this make me seriously question what I'm doing here. I took one for the team, people. You're welcome.