Monday, December 31, 2012

Worst Films of 2012

I can't close out the year without a walk down memory lane of some of the painfully terrible movies I've had the displeasure of sitting through. And what qualities make a movie destined to a life of shame on this list? For me, it's gratuitous violence, phoniness, pointlessness, juvenile comedy targeted for adults, and those all-too-common Hollywood Assembly Line flicks.

Below are my least favorite movies of the year, beginning with the worst of the worst, 'Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie'.

Worst Films of 2012:
  1. Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie
  2. A Liar's Autobiography: The Untrue Story of Monty Python's Graham Chapman
  3. High School
  4. The Fourth Dimension
  5. The Loneliest Planet
  6. The Dictator
  7. Beyond the Black Rainbow
  8. Francophrenia
  9. The Three Stooges
  10. Act of Valor
  11. Goats
  12. The Deep Blue Sea
  13. Red Tails
  14. Samsara
  15. The Apparition
  16. The Magic of Belle Isle
  17. The Lucky One
  18. Turn Me On, Dammit
  19. Battleship
  20. The Devil Inside
  21. Damsels in Distress
  22. Jesus Henry Christ
  23. Sparkle
  24. Room 237
  25. Branded
  26. Solomon Kane
  27. Rise of the Guardians
  28. Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted
  29. Ice Age: Continental Drift
  30. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
  31. Underworld: Awakening
  32. Cloud Atlas
  33. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
  34. John Carter
  35. On the Road
  36. The Do-Deca Pentathlon
  37. Moonrise Kingdom
  38. Playing for Keeps
  39. Fitzgerald Family Christmas
  40. The Guilt Trip
  41. Dredd
  42. Casa de mi Padre
  43. The Amazing Spiderman
  44. That's My Boy
  45. Here Comes the Boom
  46. Nobody Walks
  47. Mirror Mirror
  48. Haywire
  49. Wrath of the Titans
  50. Not Fade Away
(Note: There were some films I smartly skipped in 2012, which is undoubtedly why they didn't make my Hall of Shame, including A Thousand Words, One for the Money, Joyful Noise, Tyler Perry's Good Deeds, Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection, Piranha 3DD, Resident Evil: Redemption, Silent Hill: Revelation, Fun Size, Twilight, Alex Cross, The Cold Light of Day, and Red Dawn.)

And how about those movies that boast a great cast, but turn out to be a waste of talent. These aren't all terrible films, but just poor relative to the quality of the talent attached. Below they are ranked starting from biggest disappointment:

Biggest Waste of Talent in 2012:
  1. Moonrise Kingdom
  2. Haywire
  3. Cloud Atlas
  4. The Amazing Spiderman
  5. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

And how about those actors that show up in bomb after bomb?  Below is a list of the actors who had the worst overall year, ranked beginning with the overall worst.  (Don't you just know they're all going to show up in a movie together soon?)

Worst Overall Year in 2012:
  1. Kristen Stewart (Twilight, On the Road, Snow White and the Huntsman)
  2. Taylor Kitsch (John Carter, Battleship)
  3. Channing Tatum (Magic Mike, The Vow, 21 Jump Street, Haywire)
  4. Gerard Butler (Playng for Keeps, Chasing Mavericks)
  5. Kevin James (Here Comes the Boom, Hotel Transylvania)
  6. Adam Sandler (That's My Boy, Hotel Transylvania)
Note: Dishonorable mentions go to Taylor Lautner and Sam Worthington, who didn't have multiple bad films in 2012, but deserve to be included here because of a lifetime of sub-par work.

And finally the biggest disappointments of 2012.  No, these are not all terrible films.  But, to me, they were the biggest disappointments relative to my expectations:

Biggest Disappointments in 2012:
  1. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
  2. Cloud Atlas
  3. The Amazing Spiderman
  4. Hyde Park on Hudson
  5. The Woman in Black
  6. The Raven
  7. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
  8. Branded
  9. The Do-Deca Pentathlon
  10. To Rome with Love
  11. Fitzgerald Family Christmas
  12. Lincoln

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